Religious Distractions

Bill dropped the phone on his foot after Melinda told him she was pregnant, but didn’t believe it was his child or anyone else’s child.
“You cheated on me?” asked Bill.

“No. I didn’t have sex with anyone in over a month,” replied Melinda.

“Bull shit.”

“No. Not bull shit. I didn’t.”

“Then what? Having symptoms of the Virgin Mary?”

Melinda didn’t answer because she thought maybe she was having as Bill said symptoms of the Virgin Mary.

“God damn it. Mel, why do you show this other side of yourself now? All of a sudden-like?”

“I don’t know. What am I supposed to say? I missed my period for a week now.”

“So you’re not even sure you’re pregnant?”

“I am.”

“What?” Bill asked as he picked the phone up.

“I went to the doctor’s. I’m definitely pregnant.”

“Oh, Christ. I need a drink.”

Bill opened the cabinet with all the liquors, but all the bottles were empty. “Was it really that long since we’ve last drank?” asked Bill.

“You said you wouldn’t freak out,” said Melinda.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting you to, you know, have an immaculate conception.”

“Don’t get so angry. I don’t know what to do.”

“Just tell me, God damn it. Who’d you sleep with? Who? I don’t want to start naming names.”

“You won’t have to. It was nobody.”

“Jesus, Mel! Were you raped?”

“No. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t.”

“Fucking A. We’ll discuss this when I get back. Bye,” said Bill as he slammed the door. Melinda closed the liquor cabinet and started re-washing the fruit in the fruit bowl because she wasn’t sure what else to do. She wondered why this was happening to her. She started asking questions. Was I raped? Did Bill somehow make love to me accidentally without us knowing? Maybe it was a sleep fuck. Or perhaps gee I don’t know. What could have happened?

At that moment, Melinda decided to phone her best friend, Sara. It rang and rang and rang and finally Sara picked up. Sara sounded tired.

“Yes? This is Sara,” said Sara.

“It’s Mel. Did I wake you?”

“Yes. I slept at ten.”

“But it’s almost five.”

“Ten in the morning. My mother came over last night unexpectedly.”

“Oh. What happened?”

Sara sat up in bed, massaged her head, and looked at the pile of used tissue at the foot of her bed.

“She came over at like eight or nine. With cheesecake.”

“Cheesecake?”

“Yeah. Raspberries, chocolate, delicious.”

“What’s the occasion?”

“My father came back.”

“Are you… Really?”

“Yeah,” said Sara as she started eating a half-eaten cheesecake on her nightstand. “Didn’t he leave you guys when you were thirteen?”

“I was fourteen. Ten years ago. Yeah. God damn. This cheesecake is really incredible. I have to ask my mom where she got it.”

“So what happened after?”

“My mom said my dad went to the flower shop with a box of chocolates, and he was wearing a suit with a bowler hat. My mom said he looked handsome, but it still hurt to see him like that after he walked out on us.” Sara finished the cake and set it down on the floor. She continued, “He was rather charming. That’s what my mom said.”

“Is this a bad time? Should I call you back?”

“Of course not. I have nothing to do today. It’s one of those days. Those nothing days. When I am completely worried about nothing. I’d say a perfect time to die,” Sara said before lifting her blankets so the crumpled tissue papers fell off the bed.

“What does that mean? You’re not going to… suicide…?”

“No, no, no. I’m just saying… well, what if a man just stormed into my room and shot me. I don’t think I would mind that so much. I just feel nothing. Not in a bad way. It’s a fantastic nothing, like being so sick that you’re not worrying about anything but getting better, except this is better because I’m not worrying about getting better. I’m just in the zone of nothingness, and I feel absolutely comfortable.”

“You didn’t go to work?”

“Not really. They like me enough. I’ll tell them I was too sick to work. Hell, I could tell them the truth. They’ll understand. Hopefully.”

Melinda laid on the dining table with her hands on her stomach and the telephone beside her ear.

“So why’d you call me, Mel?” asked Sara.

“Tell me more about what happened with your dad.”

“Okay. You want to just meet up and talk?”

“No. I mean, you said you wanted to do nothing.”

“Yeah, but I just woke up. I don’t feel like doing nothing.”

“It seemed like you were enjoying it.”

“Yeah, I was, but… I’m not sure exactly.”

“Just lay there and do nothing.”

“Okay.” Sara laid back down, putting her blanket over her head. “Should I tell you what happened?”

“Only if you want to.”

“Well, my mom… Only if I want to? Now if I tell you, I feel like I’ll be a jerk because I’m telling it for my own pleasure.”

“No, no. I’m interested. Please do tell, but I meant only if it doesn’t interfere with your nothingness.”

“Fuck, Mel. What do we do?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“What? Get the hell out of here. Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Congratulations!”

“I don’t know about that. I don’t know who the father is.”

Sara quickly removed the blankets again. “You cheated on Bill?”

“No, but we haven’t had sex in a long time because I wanted us to wait until our anniversary. But it happened, Sara. I’m pregnant without a father.”

“You serious?”

“Yes.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I was hoping you had an idea.”

“Okay, okay. Let me think about it.” Sara got out of bed, walked to the bathroom, and sat on the toilet.

“What are you doing?” asked Melinda.

“I’m sitting on the toilet. I think it helps me think better,” responded Sara.

“Okay, great.”

Sara sat there and couldn’t think of anything. She only thought about the previous night with her mother. Her mother said her father apologized and asked her mother if she wanted to go bowling. Sara’s mother declined the invitation and instead, suggested dinner, immediately regretting the invitation because of all the terrible times Sara’s mother spent crying and drinking so much that she almost developed a drinking problem.

Sara’s father cried after Sara’s mother invited him for dinner. He said he hated himself for the whole twelve years that he left his wife and daughter. Sara’s father became the owner of a very successful restaurant but despised his success. Sara’s father couldn’t deal with being in the presence of his former wife, so he left her again without saying anything. He left her while Sara’s mother looked at herself in the mirror in the bathroom wondering what the hell she was going to make for dinner. But this time he left a note. It said, “I’m terribly sorry, but if I stayed any longer, I would have just, well, I don’t know what exactly, but it would have been messy. I’m ashamed of myself. I hope you and Sara the best. I’ll give you my number if you ever want to talk. It’s my real number.” The number was listed below, but there were only six numbers. Sara’s mother told Sara all this. For a second, Sara wondered if her mother lied about the whole thing or made some parts up. Sara never saw the note.

“Sara? You okay?” asked Melinda.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. I was thinking. I’m not sure what to say. Maybe see a priest?”

“What’s that going to do?”

“I don’t know, Mel. I don’t have the answers. I’m sorry.”

“What if it’s like Rosemary’s Baby? And I was raped by a demon?”

Sara laughed accidentally. “Sorry,” she said immediately after. “I… I’m sorry. I just imagined Satan from that Tenacious D music video fucking you, and it was really funny. I’m sorry though.”

Melinda hung up the phone. She started looking for the number of a church in her address book, but stopped when she began to realize what would happen. The priest might not believe her. The priest might think she just wants attention. Melinda has been accused of making lies for attention previously in her life. She once told a boyfriend she didn’t want to date anymore that she was raped by an uncle with the intentions of the boyfriend breaking up with her because he thought the incident was too traumatic and serious, but instead, he just loved her more and more until she finally had to admit that she was lying about the rape. The boyfriend was torn. His trust in people shattered. Melinda learned this from mutual friends. She felt terrible and hopeless.

Melinda felt her stomach, wondering how the baby would turn out. She really hoped the little boy or girl wouldn’t be a liar like she was. She felt very hopeful for the baby – saw the baby growing into a very important figure because she would tell the baby all about the lies she told and how it hurt people.

The phone rang. Melinda picked it up. “You are immature,” said the voice on the phone.

“Sara?” asked Melinda.

There was no reply. Melinda started to cry, still remaining on the phone.

Sara sat on the toilet, snickering quietly.

“That’s you, isn’t it?” asked Melinda.

“Yeah. You know you’re not actually pregnant.”

“But I am.”

“Well, you know it’s not an immaculate conception. There’s a father.”

“Sara, there isn’t.”

“I really – I’m sorry about this, but I just don’t believe you, Mel.”

“Then you can go fuck yourself,” Melinda said before hanging up.

“Ooh, you’re so bad ass,” said Sara to herself before realizing Melinda hung up on her. Sara put the phone down and thought about a time when she woke up in the middle of the night as a child and saw a floating green chain float across her bedroom. She knew she wasn’t sleeping because she woke her mother up after and told her about it. Her mother told her that it was her imagination running wild because her father left her, but Sara refused to believe that was the case.

Sara got off the toilet and thought it was pointless wondering whether or not things actually happened, so she went back to bed and tried to do nothing and think about nothing because it was comforting to do so.