The Alligator Humidifier

“I swear to God, I just saw this large menacing-looking ball thing floating just above my head, glaring at me as telling me I’ve done bad things that I should regret and should try and fix, y’know. And it seemed like it was reading my mind, like it knew I was scared and knew what that bad thing was, but I wasn’t sure if that bad thing was exactly what this ball thing was thinking. I wasn’t even sure if that bad thing I was thinking was something I actually did or just something made up at that moment because I was scared shitless. Well, anyway, that’s when I woke up on Sofie’s couch. I got really excited and wrote it down immediately then started wondering why I got so God damn excited,” Peter said to Eddie. Peter took a sip of his coffee and continued, “And—don’t think I’m weird and all, but just before I met up with you – in my car – you know, I was just thinking about how I’d explain that dream then after take a moment to drink my coffee and say what I’m saying now about not thinking I’m weird, but how it would be weird to say what I’m saying right now, and it’s kind of processing in my head that—that this is weird. And what do you think? This is weird, right?”
Eddie ripped the corner of his sugar packet then said, “Yeah, it’s kind of weird. You alright, Peter?”
Peter nodded and smiled a little. “I’m glad you said that. I thought you were going to say, ‘no, man. It ain’t weird.’ So I’m glad you didn’t say that. Thanks, Eddie.”
“You sleeping well?” asked Eddie.
“I think so.”
“Sofie good?”
“I think so. She got a humidifier.”
“She’s not getting good air circulation in her house?”
“Is that what humidifiers for?” asked Peter.
“Something like that.”
“I’m not sure why she got it. She just got one. It’s shaped like an alligator. It’s kind of cute. Maybe that’s why she got it – maybe to tell people, ‘hey, look. Check out this alligator then boom! Fucking humidifier.” Peter drank the last of his coffee, looked at the empty cup for a moment then looked at Eddie. “Shit. What if she’s thinking about ending the relationship with me?”
“Don’t talk crazy.”
“I’m not. I’m talking very sensibly.”
“Why would you say such a thing? You sure you’re sleeping well?”
“Yes! I’m sleeping so fucking amazingly. I’m like the Phil Nicholson of sleeping.”
“You mean Phil Mickelson.”
“No, I meant Jack Nicholson. The golfer.”
“No, no. Jack Nicholson’s the actor.”
“Shit, you’re right. I’m sorry. Brain fart. What were we talking about?”
Eddie leaned in and asked, “You stoned?”
“No, I’m not fucking stoned, man. I’m just—oh, right. Sofie. I think she might be thinking about ending the relationship because of the God damn humidifier.”
“Why the hell would she break up with you because of a humidifier?” asked Eddie looking around to make sure no one was eavesdropping.
“Well, exactly the reason why I said she got the alligator humidifier – to show new people her humidifier, which leads to the bedroom. You know, she wants to like be cute when it gets real awkward with this new guy while they’re watching TV, not really talking about anything, so she’ll be like, ‘hey. Want to see my alligator?’ The guy will give a big goofy smile and kind of chuckle then say something like, ‘what alligator?’ Then fucking boom! She says, ‘I’ll show you,” and lead the lucky bastard to her bedroom where that asshole humidifier is, and more awkwardness then they’ll fuck. God damn it,” Peter said as he slapped his forehead. “I can’t believe this shit. Why else would she buy an alligator humidifier?”
Eddie took a long look at Peter as if analyzing him then slapped his head.
“You’re talking nonsense, Peter. Absolute nonsense. Now, stop acting foolish. Tell me what’s wrong with you.”
Peter sighed and looked out the window. “Honestly, nothing. I just got a lot on my mind. You want to get stoned?”
Eddie slapped Peter’s head again then said, “No. No, I don’t want to get stoned. Do you want to break up with Sofie? Is that it?”
“No. I love the girl.”
“Wait a minute. Why’d you sleep on her couch?”
“I told her I had a virus.”
“Why would you do that?”
“Were you not listening? That God damn alligator. I tried sleeping there, but that alligator was looking at me, taunting me. I couldn’t take it any longer, so I told her that I forgot that I had a virus and slept on the couch.”
“You are such an idiot, Peter. Whose genes did you get?”
“I look more like Mom.”
“We both look more like Mom. Why don’t you just ask her why she got her humidifier?”
“I tried, but she got kind of nervous. In retrospect, it was probably because I kept asking her repeatedly like some sort of detective, but at the time, I thought it was because she was cheating on me, and she was using the humidifier to hide the guy’s scent.”
“You’re a paranoid fuck! Jesus, Peter!”
“Shh. You’re causing a scene.”
“I don’t give a shit. You’re talking absolute madness, and I can’t take it any longer.”
“Absolute madness. Interesting choice of words.”
Eddie got up, grabbed his jacket, and left without looking at Peter. Peter left a twenty-five percent tip on the table, and left the coffee shop before scowling at a little girl wearing a Lacoste collared shirt.
The little girl watched Peter leave then tugged at her father’s shirt. “Daddy?”
“Yes, Sweetheart?” answered her father.
“There was a man who looked at me a funny way,” said Sweetheart.
“What do you mean?”
“He looked angry at me. Why did he do it?”
“I… I’m not sure,” said Sweetheart’s father as he held his daughter close looking around, suspicious.